Two and a half years living in Germany had changed a part of my wholistic personality and mindset. This country and the people in it had taught me lots of precious values and habits. It didn´t change my conservative way of thinking in living a life, nor did it make me refuse the freedom and humanity. And that the land forced me to be open to people without losing the carefulness, and the experience in discussing things in life with people around me more than their nutshells, makes me in love with Germany. I realize that I grew up differently with the native people there, so there are things in there that I cannot accept as normality. But the power of humanity-lesson that it´s native people had taught me in the last years had given me the strength to face the difference wisely. So I am keeping myself in love with the land for it´s one-step-further development in philosophy of human, and for the part of it´s culture. I might be forgetting things happen in my own land because I enjoyed the circumstances in Germany. Moreover, I thought that I am going to lose the spirit and the strength to decide things in life when I leave this country forever.
Being back into my homeland was a big and brave decision. I was at my residence in germany a little more germanized like never. The structured life built in the last years might strict my eyes… maybe I would be a little bit sensitive seeing a lot of unstructured social life, even the unstructured roads and buildings in non-germanic country as well as my own. Eventhough I missed my family and friends in Indonesia, the worry I shared with my dearest and closest pals in Germany was the truth one: I am afraid of my own country.
Today, I see it differently. Being afraid that I cannot live more than a week in the less structured situation has given me strength to face the unideality. I stayed, and not thinking to clear out. At the time I said to myself that I would stay eventhough the situation was very unattractive, there was a sound in myself saying that there are always goods and bads in every reality. I didn´t make to think that there are goods in bad realities…. no! But after few days of my residence in Indonesia, I came to see that the beautiful things exist in the country of my own too. In the other words, it opened my mind to know when is the best time seeing reality as individual and when as collective, when to see it as single and when to generalize. Seeing realities this way make me feeling good, not rebelling toward the situation, but understanding the problem, accepting it and hoping a betterment. Moreover, it can lead oneself to do the betterment himself based on the weakness and strength of a man.
The days I spent with my families, the very first two weeks, observing brothers and mother´s behaviour and daily routines, sitting with them in front of TV (something that I never did with my friends in Germany) had taught me my first lesson I ever truly got in Indonesia. In fact, I pulled a red band from it´s chaos. As I spent years in Germany where working and learning were the first priority in my daily life, I did three other major things that made me loving Germany how it is:
- I admired the social wealth of Germany,
- I accepted the social culture of the germans as their culture and behavior,
- I hoped (and still hoping) a betterment in the social culture.
It simply means, that it is not the land that made a man in love with it. It is the way one sees the realities that made a man in love with the land. Without admiring, accepting and being hopeful, there is no fall in love. How could Bella falls in love with a beast-bodied entity in the film of Beauty and the Beast? It is because she saw something beyond it´s bodical shape that she admired, accepted the reality of the physical shape of the beast, and being hopeful that one day, everything would be better. (for your information, I was not seeing the newest film of Beauty and the Beast that is viral nowadays in the cinemas. I watched it more than 5 times when I was a fairy-taled girl, namely 10 years ago…)
So I said, I would stay in Indonesia until it´s time to leave again. I didn´t say that I made it, not to leave it sooner. But with this kind of viewing point in myself, I would proudly and bravely say, I´m gonna make it! I´ll stay…
because for the second time in my life, I fall in love…
I fall in love with Indonesia.